Fungus vs. Snickers

How to write an effective request email to Human Resources:

Joanna,

I had a dumb-as-fungus moment this afternoon when I had a craving for a Snickers. The # is missing for that selection in the snack machine, so I punched in the price 1-0-0. Doh! 100 is the # for those icky cinnamon rolls. That cured my whole chocolate craving, but if you have contact with the snack machine vendor I would appreciate having the selection number back. Otherwise, I will surely do the same dumb thing again.

If you like those cinnamon rolls, there’s one on the break room island for you!

Thanks,

N

Getting results!

1. I received an instant reply requesting information about dumb-as-fungusness.

2. The Candyman vendor got an instant request for snack machine repair with forwarded message.

3.  A young friend showed me a fossilized mosasaur jawbone with six teeth he found at the river yesterday, and it looked more appetizing than the petrified cinnamon roll.

4. There's an amazing fungal growth in the lawn across the street that is larger than a pan pizza from Pizza Hut.

5. I first learned the expression "dumb as fungus" when Dave Barry had a syndicated humor column in the Omaha World Herald when Reagan was president. My father preferred "like a rock only dumber" but I have always been partial to fungus.

6. My sister, an extremely successful,highly-regarded music education professional who shall remain nameless confesses she feels a lot of pressure to punch in the numbers and/or letters as soon as the coins go down the chute in the snack machine, resulting in occasional performance anxiety.

7. Would Betsy DeVos recognize a fungus if it jumped up and grabbed her Snickers bar?

8. How do we define intelligence, and what is the sensitive term for "dumb" in a world where the rules are in constant change?

9. Are you as smart as a  slime mold?

10. Who wrote that book about smart tree roots?

11. Do you take it personally when the vending machine spits back your dollar bill? Yes, it's worse than a quarterly performance review.

SING A SONG OF  SYNTAX

DAVE BARRYTHE BALTIMORE SUN

A significant reason why the United States is having trouble competing in the modern industrialized world is that most Americans, through no fault of their own, are, in the words of U.S. Department of Education Secretary Lamar Alexander, "as dumb as fungus."

That is why this newspaper, at great expense and physical risk, is once again presenting "Ask Mr. Language Person," the educational feature that answers common questions about grammar, spelling and punctuality.

© 2013-2019 Nancy L. Ruder